Written by: Chelsea Kwon
As a young woman trying to navigate life—undiagnosed at the time with borderline personality disorder comorbid with neurodivergence—I was always a restless young soul wired with an insatiable curiosity and a tendency toward addictive behaviors, forever chasing the next adrenaline rush or thrill, whatever form it might take. Whether it was sex, alcohol, substances, or the promise of something, anything that could briefly teleport me out of reality, I was drawn to anything that offered me escape from the weight of my pain. I would say dissociation was my first drug of choice growing up in a turbulent and chaotic home—I dissociated to cope and survive. I felt like I was the only one who realized our home life was far from normal or healthy. Always rebellious and endlessly curious, I was drawn to anything that offered me a fleeting escape—constantly chasing new thrills and experiences just to lift some of the weight, sadness, pain, and rage erupting inside me.
I began my dark descent into the abyss as a pothead, loving the mellow escape of being stoned, but nothing could have prepared me for my first roll—MDMA and molly transported me to a place of pure freedom, where my anxiety, pain, insecurities, hypervigilance, and sadness melted away into sheer ecstasy. I wandered through the surreal dreamlike realms of LSD and mushrooms, exploring the mind-bending terrain of ego death, but nothing else came close to the exhilarating freedom and sheer euphoria I felt electrifying every synaptic nerve ending in my body in my first unforgettable roll. It felt like the lights in my body turned on when I had no idea I was in the dark. I had no idea I could feel so free, and that I could naturally dance and groove as if my body choreographed seamlessly to every beat of the song. I started raving in 2022 while separating from the Navy. There was no better adrenaline high or escape quite like losing myself in the beautiful chaos of raves and festivals—especially while on substances that set my mind free.
Being on drugs, free from my mind and body while roaming a festival, completely devoid of all my endless intrusive fears and thoughts plaguing every cell of my body, allowed me to feel like I was a kid again, releasing my playful inner child who was locked away for so long, unable to express herself. After leaving the Navy, I felt like a shell of the person I used to be, haunted by awkward social anxiety and traumatic interactions, unregulated emotional turbulence, and overall, just feeling unsafe all the time and like I was a stranger in my own body. My first festival, CRSSD in San Diego, was a whirlwind. I was still freshly diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and had very low self-worth and sense of self at the time. Because of this, I often found myself drawn to narcissistic people—a common pattern for many borderlines who, in the absence of a strong identity, low self-worth and self-esteem coupled with negative self-talk, crave connection so much that we end up settling for relationships (interpersonal and romantic) with those who don’t truly value or respect us and treat the way we deserve to be treated.
I was very thirsty for validation at the time which I found relief in via dating apps. Met a guy on bumble and started going to raves with his group. He was out of town for CRSSD festival but I went with his buddy’s cool girlfriend and her friends, and alot of the people in that group wasn’t kind to me and I just got even more awkward and anxiously overthinking in my head. To my relief, they all had substances on deck, and I rolled. Suddenly the anxiety melted away—I danced all night without fear, chatted with strangers that I would’ve never spoken to, and felt free and alive in ways I hadn’t for years. The last night of the festival, I rolled again and went to the afters with the girl from the group and her cousin, and met my ex while rolling. We shared a passionate kiss while I was rolling, which gave me the illusion that this was my person, but that was so far from reality. This chemically charged kiss of ecstasy morphed into the narcissistic relationship that fucked me up the most and took me the longest to recover from. We broke up 6 months later, however, that first year of raving, I went to CRSSD, Beyond Wonderland Socal, Ubbi Dubbi, Day.Mvs (CRSSD’s smaller fest), Freaky Deaky, Seismic Dance Event, and Lights All Night. And Guess what… I rolled every single day of each festival sometimes more than once each day. I later moved to Austin because I wanted to be in the same city as the Concourse Project, and was roomies with my wifey aka my cousin (practically my sister since childhood) Jessica at the time. I was still going to shows and would keep rolling each time. This toxic habit continued, depleting me of serotonin, until it was time for ARC music festival in 2023. It was my first festival solo, and I was very much still an addict trapped in the void of molly.
At first, my experiences with MDMA/molly were euphoric and freeing—a much-needed break from the constant storm of undiagnosed PTSD, at the time, I carried after leaving the Navy. I used to be so outgoing, bold, and unafraid, but after the Navy, all of that…all of me…vanished. I no longer recognized myself or felt at home in my own skin, and I would cry myself to puddles, wondering how I would ever get back to that unafraid 19-year-old social butterfly—it seemed so far away, impossible to venture back to. I was constantly scanning the room in hypervigilance with an overactive amygdala, and I felt unsafe at all times, wondering, is this person going to touch or grope me, are these people genuine, am I safe? My brain was ceaseless, always looking for the exit doors, and it was as if my brain would not turn off and my amygdala was in overdrive. I was living in constant fear and anxiety all the time. MDMA stands out as a remarkably promising tool in the treatment of severe PTSD, as it boosts the brain’s natural “feel good” chemicals—serotonin and oxytocin—helping to quiet fear and lower emotional defenses. In the right therapeutic setting, with a skilled psychiatrist or therapist guiding the process and using safe, controlled doses, MDMA can open the door for people to revisit and process traumatic memories without being overwhelmed or re-traumatized, making true healing possible for them. I learned this over time through every roll and abused MDMA therapeutically over the course of 1.5 years to cope with my PTSD symptoms. All I wanted was to quiet my racing mind and finally feel no anxiety and a glimmer of freedom. There was no better feeling than attending new festivals and experiences and being able to dance and mingle and not have to worry incessantly, even if it was temporary, for 6-ish hours. I rolled to escape from myself, and I was under the illusion that I was free from everything and myself; however, this constant need to be on drugs and rolling to feel free actually kept me in a toxic cycle, and I was actually stuck. I was in therapy at the time, and since I was constantly using molly to cope with PTSD, I actually wasn’t growing in therapy. I kept getting stuck in the same cycles and patterns, wondering why I couldn’t heal. In a way, I was using MDMA as a form of avoidance to avoid working on myself and my PTSD symptoms. Another important thing I slowly started to learn was that when I was rolling and meeting people, I was showing up as an extremely extroverted version of myself that had no anxiety, which was far from my true, authentic self. So when I would meet up with those people in person after the rave/festival/show/event, I was constantly having to act differently than I was. MDMA, like many other substances, lowers your inhibitions, so sometimes I would make bad choices, like making out with and getting into a relationship with a narcissist, kissing men I did not know at all, and getting into cars with strangers I had just met. It could’ve turned more dangerous. I also attracted so many not-so-genuine friends at the time while rolling, only to realize much later on that they were not my people. When you don’t show up as ur authentic self, especially when high and rolling, you are unable to discern if the people/friends/partners you meet are actually good or right for you or if you vibe together.
This habit of mine turned toxic, especially by the time I hit ARC Music Festival in 2023, my first solo festival that I wanted to do alone. I was deep in the void, using MDMA to dull my PTSD, rolling over 20 times in a year and a half. The comedowns were brutal, and as a borderline who was unable to cope with her symptom of chronic emptiness, I have never felt more empty and in fear of abandonment in my life during those comedowns. For ARC, I snuck in my molly inside my Seed probiotic capsules, and I was at the festival the first day waiting…waiting… and waiting forever over 2 hours for my roll to hit, however as more time passed, I literally felt nothing, and I realized “Oh this isn’t actually as terrifying as I thought it would be.” Multiple people came up to me and complimented me on my outfit, and everyone I interacted with was so genuinely kind to me, it started to heal the thought that I needed to be high to be able to enjoy myself and be around people. The second day I tried my capsules again to see if it would hit, and I felt absolutely nothing, again. That same day I met some awesome people at the rail on the Grid stage for both Eli Brown’s and Patrick Topping’s set. The last day, I decided I wanted to go completely sober. That day, I linked up with my friend Luis, one of the most kindest and awesome souls I know, whom I met while seeing Innellea at the Concourse Project. We were at The Grid and the day I decided to go sober, I got the most drug offers from strangers around us for bumps of ketamine, coke, molly, even nitrous oxide (??? yes you read that correctly), yet I had this delusional strong will and sober adrenaline to politely decline and say that I am trying to be sober today, and I stuck to my guns. Ironically, that last, sober day was my favorite of the festival. I realized all I really needed was a safe space and genuine, caring people around me to feel okay—I didn’t need to be high to belong or to be myself. I then decided to dedicate myself to being sober for 1 yr just to do it. My brain definitely thanked me for that. Our brains have this amazing ability of neuroplasticity to rebalance, regrow, and eventually I was able to get the little serotonin levels i had back, although it took a while. That year I got sober, I realized I was able to process, grow, and have more aha lightbulb moments in therapy and I’m still so so so grateful my drugs at ARC did not work and I was able to have a positive experience that helped me get sober. I’m not currently sober anymore, I am definitely a lot more responsible now. I haven’t rolled in 3 years and if I do again it will just be once a year. I am so happy I got to a place where I don’t need substances or alcohol to have fun or enjoy myself at an event.
The year I spent sober taught me that I didn’t need to be high, on substances, or drunk to enjoy myself at raves/festivals/shows. Those substances can definitely elevate your experience and make you feel one with every beat in your bones, however, I’ve discovered that the real magic comes from immersing and challenging yourself to experience a show/rave/festival sober instead of using substances as a crutch to get by every time. At first, being sober at shows was honestly terrifying—like stepping into unfamiliar territory without my usual quick fix and band-aid of psychedelics. Nevertheless, the more I exposed myself to it, the more liberating it became and the freer I felt over time. Throughout my sober rave experiences, I realized that I could actually be fully present, much like practicing mindfulness in meditation, and a 3 hour set that felt like 30 minutes while on substances actually felt like the set got stretched to 4 hours. Every time I rolled, I would always get so sad that the set was over and that each set was never long enough. Yet when I went to events sober, I found myself constantly bracing and prepping myself emotionally for the set to end, only to be surprised as the music kept flowing, stretching on and on like an endless adventure, like when the crowd wanted TRYM to play one more song but he went a whole extra hour (a night I was sober with Red bulls only and will cherish forever in my heart)!!! I am pretty lightweight, and usually I would split my rolls and not take the full amount all at once, however, there were times in the past that I did not pace myself and would take more because I didn’t feel anything, only for it to all hit me at 200 mph speeding down my neurons like a bullet train, and oftentimes I wouldn’t even remember the event completely. Going sober allowed me to actually remember every drop, every song, every moment, and to interact with people around me as my authentic self. Each time I went out sober, I was rewiring my mind and body, slowly healing the parts of myself I’d tried to avoid, numb, and camouflage with drugs. While substances can offer healing when used mindfully and in the right context with the right people, my own motivation for going to shows shifted—I started showing up for the music and the experience itself, not just for the escape and to get lost away from my true self.
I’m not currently sober anymore, however, I have gotten to a place where I’m not reliant on substances every time to enjoy myself at an event. My highs now are the endorphins I get from going to the gym, and the goosebumps I get from letting myself get lost and dance in the music. Techno and Bass Music in combination, as well as other genres in EDM, alternative, and indie music… okay music in general… are my drugs of choice and the best therapy. If you are someone struggling with relying on substances to cope or feel like you have to use or be on something to enjoy yourself at raves/festivals/shows, I hope you know that it is okay and safe for you to be yourself. Even if you feel like you have drifted so far from yourself, it’s never too late to find your way back home. The voyage to healing isn’t linear, and it may take longer than you expect—there will be ups and downs, setbacks and breakthroughs. Progress can be messy and unpredictable, but every step, no matter how small, moves you closer to yourself. Be gentle and kind to yourself and remember that true healing often unfolds in its own time and way. Your journey might take time, and it but let the music and surrounding yourself with the right support system, can help guide you home to yourself—no chemicals required.
Stay hydrated and safe,
Your Feral Techno Demoness