Written by: Chelsea Kwon
If you find yourself lost, not knowing who you are without others, searching for a true sense of identity of your own and a sense of belonging, this post is written for you. Growing up under the authoritarian reign of my narcissistic mother, I constantly felt invisible and misunderstood—a lost child and teenager who never felt safe to show my true self, whoever that self was. I was always compared to others, told to be more like this girl or that one, and given the message that simply being myself was never enough or worthy of celebration. These formative experiences laid the foundation for developing Borderline Personality Disorder leading me to spend so much of my life trying to fit in, squeeze myself into roles and expectations that never truly felt like mine. I wrestled constantly questioning who I was—my identity and sense of self felt so unstable. I just wanted to be normal and stable like everyone else, but I had no idea who I was, and I never felt safe enough to explore that. I’d watch other kids, teens, and adults who seemed to know themselves so well—pursuing hobbies, building healthy friendships, and moving through life with a sense of freedom and stability I could only dream of. I was constantly haunted by doubts about my worth, my purpose, and where I belonged, making me question if I’d ever truly discover who I am or what actually makes me happy—or if I was simply doomed to spend my life trapped in people-pleasing, never finding the freedom or the space to be my authentic self or carve out my own place in the world. As a result, I taught myself to shape-shift into whatever I thought others wanted, believing that was the only way to be loved. It’s a coping mechanism that a lot of people with borderline personality traits develop—especially in romantic relationships—always adapting to the other person and losing ourselves completely in the process.
Jump to 2022, and I found myself at my first festival—CRSSD in San Diego—where I stumbled into the vibrant world of raving. Up until then, my EDM exposure was limited to legends like Daft Punk, Porter Robinson, Justice, and Skrillex. Even though I never really knew my own identity and who I was growing up, music was always my sanctuary and safe space. No matter how lost I felt, I could always escape into sound, using music as my outlet to express myself and try to process the intense, extremely painful emotions I carried growing up. I started out listening to house music and dubstep and deeply explored each sub-genre like melodic house, tech-house, latin house, bass house, bass/wubz, dubstep, riddim, drum and bass. Then I stumbled upon Techno, starting off with headliners like Charlotte de Witte, Enrico Sangiuliano, Amelie Lens, HI LO, and Lilly Palmer, and I was like “WTF is this spellbinding sound!???” Techno immediately captivated me and I fell head over heels in love for the genre. From there, my curiosity took me deeper into the Techno scene where I discovered acid techno, bounce, hard bounce, schranz, psytrance, hard techno, hard-groove, peak-time, and the melodic and deep tech minimal sounds from Afterlife label artists.
Lately, I’ve been drawn to the fusion of Techno and Bass music—the way they flow together in a set just clicks for me. I still enjoy house from time to time, but as a borderline, I feel everything deeply and intensely, and when I went down the rabbit hole of Techno, I was pleasantly surprised, intrigued, and instantly addicted. Techno was darker, intense, mysterious, sexy, hypnotic, raw, electrifying, and it described my heart and emotions seamlessly in a way no other genre could. I finally found the perfect sound to unleash the chaotic depths of my own heart. Not long after, my alter ego “Feral Techno Demoness” was born, and that became an identity of my own that truly felt like me: a wild, untamed force of feminine energy, pulsating to the primal heartbeat of techno. She’s magnetic, complex, and intense, fiercely independent and rebellious, dancing unapologetically with chaos and liberation. Her style and vibe are dark and edgy on the surface, but underneath she radiates vibrant, spirited energy. Once I embraced my sense of identity—even if it was just my rave persona—it became much harder to feel the urge to change myself just to please others. All it takes is a first step and the bravery to explore what sparks your interest, what doesn’t resonate, and what brings you joy. Staying genuine and honest with yourself as you navigate this journey is essential—remaining true to who you are and not changing yourself for others is the foundation for developing a strong, authentic sense of self—something I have lacked in the past for the majority of my life.
Naturally, immersing myself in the electrifying rave scene led me to explore and celebrate its bold, expressive fashion—a realm that immediately resonated with me. As someone who’s both borderline and neurodivergent, I’ve always been obsessed with style and constantly reinventing my look. Growing up, I wasn’t allowed to experiment with fashion. I was always scolded for dressing like a tomboy and not wearing what girls were supposed to wear in my early teens. Then when I started getting boobs and dressing girlier, I was shamed and told “that is too short”, “Are you seriously wearing that”, “your boobs are showing”, “You look like a slut.” Rave culture gave me the perfect outlet to channel my creativity and passion for ever-evolving self-expression. Raves and festivals gave me the freedom to wear whatever I pleased, pile on as much glitter as my heart desired, and express myself however I wanted—they became the perfect playground for discovering and owning my personal style, purely for my own joy.
As I delved further into the European techno scene, discovering artists from renowned labels and iconic festivals like 44 Label Group, KNTXT, EXHALE, Teletech, FERAL, Unreal, Hive, Rotterdam Rave, Amsterdam Dance Event, Exhale, Awakenings, and countless others, I found myself captivated by the unique style of European techno ravers. (Yes, I even started a dedicated Pinterest board for inspiration!) There’s an undeniable allure and strength in the Techno aesthetic—colors of black, silver, and red—fishnets, chokers, leather, bondage-inspired accessories, chains, and grunge boots. It’s a look that radiates both power, confidence, and sensuality, instantly drawing me in. I was also mesmerized by the wild, FERAL, uninhibited beauty of the way European techno ravers moved on the dance floor. For the first time, I felt like I truly belonged, since my own dancing is just as untamed and free.
Techno and rave culture have played a transformative role in my journey of self-discovery and healing. Stepping into this world offered me a judgment-free zone where I could experiment with bold, expressive fashion—something I never felt safe enough to do growing up. The dance floor became my sanctuary, a place where I could release pent-up stress, anger, and emotion through movement, letting my body express what words couldn’t. Along the way, I found a true sense of belonging, forming deep friendships with people who accept and celebrate me for who I am. Most importantly, I learned not to abandon myself. Dressing up and dancing however I wanted helped me step into my own divine feminine and slowly build confidence—even if, at first, it felt like putting on a mask. Over time, those moments of playing dress up transformed into genuine self-assurance, proving to me that sometimes you gotta “fake it” and be delusional until you make it and are confident in your own vibe. Dancing and raving aren’t just about having a good time—they’re honestly some of the best therapy I’ve ever found. When I hit the dance floor, it’s like my mind finally switches off and my body finally gets to take the wheel. The heavy bass and flashing lights almost feel like a reset for my whole system, kind of like how EMDR uses rhythm to help process old emotions. Just letting myself move however I want helps me shake off all that stress and those “fight or flight” feelings that get stuck inside. For me, raves have become a safe space—a place where I can let go, be myself, start to heal, and become more and more of myself.
Never compromise or abandon who you are or dim your wild light for anyone—embrace your raw, authentic self and let it burn bright, no matter what the world expects you to be.
With love pulsing at 160 BPM,
Your Feral Techno Demoness