Written by: Chelsea Kwon
In light of all the courageous women who have come forward to speak up against their abusers in the hard techno and hard dance community, I feel compelled to add my voice to this important conversation. By sharing my own story, I hope not only to contribute to the ongoing dialogue but also to raise awareness about the warning signs of predatory behavior and offer practical guidance on how to set firm boundaries, protect yourself, when to walk away and get help.
Here’s some context about me: I grew up in an environment where I did not have a voice, was sexually repressed under my mother’s authoritarian control, and was forced to go to church until I finally left at 24. After setting myself free, I experienced a period of intense sexual exploration, seeking the thill connection but often disregarding my own boundaries and safety. Over time, after navigating many painful and confusing moments involving sex, however, my relationship with sexuality shifted dramatically. Now, I find myself that I’ve swung to the opposite extreme—I keep strong barriers around myself and struggle to let anyone get close without feeling on edge. Intimacy makes me uneasy, and I’m constantly on high alert, unable to let my guard down. I find myself being incredibly hypervigilant, always scanning my surroundings, wary of anyone who might try to take advantage, touch, or harm me. This shift is largely rooted in the effects of PTSD and BPD, particularly after experiences where my boundaries were crossed by men. In those moments, I dissociate when it happens, freeze to the point I feel paralyzed, fawn and people please the person out of fear things could get worse or escalate, and afterward I continue to struggle with lingering feelings of shame and extreme self-disgust.
I want to clarify that predators are not exclusively men—women can also engage in predatory behavior. My intention isn’t to suggest that all men are predators or inherently bad, although tbh I’ve lowkey started to split from most men. Although I’ve had many difficult and even traumatic encounters with men and these problems are unfortunately common, I also know that not all men are like this—good men and people do exist.
When I was in fifth grade, an older Sunday school teacher—someone my parents knew well and trusted—touched me inappropriately more than once. He grabbed me and lifted me in the air when I was yelling to let me go and let me down. People were around and noone cared. Then one day he’s sitting next to me on the long bench in the gym/cafeteria and he just starts touching my leg up and down. I’ll never forget his unsettling, creepy smile or how strong his grip was, and how disgusting I felt and continued to feel for a very …very….. very long time. After gathering the courage to tell my mom, hoping she’d protect me, she immediately hushed me in the cafeteria line, told me I was mistaken, and seemed more worried about what others might overhear than about what I’d gone through. Her reaction left me heartbroken, confused, and feeling completely alone. Even though I tried to avoid him by hiding out under tables, he kept finding ways to corner me and touch me when no-one was looking. A year went by and It wasn’t until I broke down crying in my room refusing to come down and eat dinner that my mom finally listened to me and called him. She then made me listen to his “fake apology” over the phone. Years later, as a teenager acting out, I confronted him in front of his family his wife and daughter, and after that, I never saw them at church again. My mom not believing me and standing up for me fucked me up, and it still hurts writing this. She told me to just get over it, forget about it and never bring it up again—a pattern I adopted for years.
Years later, when I started having sex, I often felt like agreeing to go out with guys from Tinder and Bumble meant I owed them my body—that I didn’t really have a say in it. Looking back, it’s painful to realize how much of myself I gave to men who never deserved any part of me. My mom never showed me how to love or protect myself; instead, she criticized and yelled, leaving me feeling unseen, unloved, and like I never measured up. I truly believed my mom didn’t love me, and my dad didn’t care. When I began having sex at 24, I obsessively dove into dating apps, chasing attention and affection from strangers—it was my drug of choice at the time. In the process, I endured a lot of mistreatment, all for the tiniest scraps of validation that I was worthy of being loved.
I once went on a Tinder date with a USC med student when I was living in Pasadena, CA. Looking back, he was a textbook narcissist, but at the time, I wasn’t aware or saw the signs. I drove to his apartment, left my car there, and we took his Camaro to dinner. He was rude to the server and was talking shit about how another gay guy guest looked at the restaurant, which left me feeling on edge and uncomfortable. I wish I’d just called an Uber or slipped out when I went to the bathroom, but as a people pleaser, I didn’t feel like I could speak up or leave. After dinner, we went back to his place—which was a mess inside. I can’t even remember what movie he put on, but things started to get physical. I waas going down on him and I stopped and said, “Ummm… I don’t think I want to do this anymore,” he ignored me, pushed my head down, and said “Noooo just keep going”. In that moment, I knew that resisting him might make things alot worse and I can’t overpower him, so I just went along with it to get it over with. I faked being okay, gave him a hug, and left as calmly as I could so he wouldn’t get angry or escalate things. When I got back to the place I was renting out, I threw up in the shower. I felt disgusted with myself and confused. I blocked him, hoping to erase the whole thing from my memory—but it doesn’t quite work like that. Your body keeps the score until one day it finally breaks. That same year I went on a casual lunch where a more senior classmate at Art Center took me to lunch…he always gave me the creeps but I was just friendly with everyone. He paid for lunch and then touched my leg in his car, and I just froze. The next semester I went hiking with another male classmate that was quirky and he did the same thing in the car. When I dropped out I lived with my parents in San Jose for 6 months til joining the Navy. I was still doing the same thing on dating apps. I was on OKCupid (the most creepiest, please don’t ever go on this app), and was talking to a guy who had no profile picture and agreed to go on a date with him that ended up lasting 2 days, but I didn’t know that I guess I didn’t care, I was traumatized by the church and everything that happened that I just used dating apps and sex to cope. He picked me up from my parent’s and he didn’t look like his profile pic at all, his profile said he was 30 but he looked like he was 50. He kept making me uncomfortable by touching and groping my ass at the gym. We then went to Yardhouse where he continued to touch me and he later went to a motel to book a room for us and I remember him being super rude and impatient to the receptionist telling him to hurry up so we could get busy. I went to that hotel room, and my gut was telling me to leave, but I didn’t. I ended up just dissociating and pretending I was ok when I wasn’t during sex. He dropped me off the next morning back to my parents’ home. I think they caught on that I was having sex and hooking up with guys. My parents both confronted me and my dad called me a whore and a slut. What they failed to understand was that this was my way of coping with everything I’d been through since fifth grade and all the pain that followed. They never bothered to ask or talk to me about what was really going on with me or why I was struggling so much—they just judged me for my actions and shamed me for the chaotic mess I turned out to be. I later joined the Navy because I didn’t know what I was doing in life—I am not proud of the person I was back then, I was so angry, rebelled, and it’s almost like all the trauma since childhood got activated. As I mentioned before, you might be able to trick your mind into forgetting by dissociating and avoiding painful memories, but your body never truly forgets.
When I was stationed in Japan with the Navy, I developed a good, professional relationship with my supervisor, who was three ranks above me at the time. I’ve always found it easier to connect and be friends with guys, so I thought it was great to have a supervisor who genuinely worked hard, listened, cared, and was easy to talk to. Over time, I felt comfortable going to him for advice about life, the Navy, or even my mental health and past trauma—it felt like a unique emotional and mental bond. Things shifted when I entered my first relationship with a coworker. Around that time, my supervisor casually invited me out for sushi. I remember telling my boyfriend at the time that that was weird and why wasn’t he invited. During dinner, I started to get that creeping gut feeling that something wasn’t right. When we were standing in line to pay, he put his hand over my shoulder and rubbed me, and my whole body just froze. Later, in his car, he touched my leg, and again, I was paralyzed—just wanting to get home.
Usually after I process what happened, I tend to BPD rage lash out at the person who touched me, and I definitely sent him long, angry texts after telling my boyfriend what happened. The rumors about him fraternizing with younger female sailors turned out to be true—and I never thought it would happen to me. After I confronted him over text, he gave me the silent treatment and started acting distant. A little time passed and eventually new sailors checked into the command, and I watched him repeat the same thing with the new female sailors. A part of me feels guilty I never reported him, but you know what the sad part is? I don’t think that would’ve changed anything, if anything it probably would’ve made everything worse. It makes me question whether he was ever truly a friend and genuinely cared for me as a person or if he was just grooming me all along because I was vulnerable, building my trust so he could cross boundaries. Having similar experiences with other men—thinking it was just an innocent lunch or dinner, only to be touched or groped afterwards—has made me wonder if some guys only want to be “friends” with me so they can eventually make a move.
About six months before I got out of the Navy, I got into my second relationship—and looking back, he was a textbook narcissist. I had never been love bombed before, and I didn’t realize how much that could fuck with someone until I experienced it myself. While I was in that relationship, we were at Ubbi Dubbi Festival and we met a group that I thought was cool at the time. The Rave Dad of that group asked my boyfriend at the time if we were in an open relationship—they were both possessive and both asked me to keep my location on at all times. After I got out of the Navy and that relationship, I hung out with that group for a while. I sensed something off with the Rave dad. Later the group all went to Freaky Deaky Festival and there was another guy in the group I never met before who was really creepy. He kept staring at me and I think the other girls were creeped out too. We’re at the fest and I liked house music at the time and I was getting into Techno and wanted to go to the House stage. I felt comfortable going alone and was going to run off and then Rave Dad kind of tells me to go with the creepy guy to make sure I’m not alone and that’s when he started touching me, alot, my waist, my ass, my arms. I just walked away from him and started just talking to this girl who was the closest person to me and she thought he was my boyfriend but I told her no. Later that night we all go back to Rave dad’s place in two cars and I was changing into my pajamas under a towel since there was only one bathroom and the whole time creepy guy was staring at me hard. I told the girls in the group who all said that he was being creepy and touching them too. Rave dad said he wouldn’t be hanging around us anymore. The next festival comes up, my first Seismic Dance Event. Rave dad was going with a bunch of his friends and I stayed with them at their Airbnb the first night and then Rave dad decided we should just get a hotel room together the next two nights. We check in, unpack, and decide to nap before getting ready. I’ve always had trouble sleeping and he was asleep and i was just scrolling on my phone laying down. Next thing I know he rolls over and cuddles me but it gets extremely tight to the point he won’t let go of me. I’m trying to push him off but I can’t because he’s holding on to me and I’m yelling “Let go of me! Let Go!!! He rolls back over and I’m in shock at this point. I immediately start packing my things and he wakes up and asks me what I’m doing and I said Are you fucking kidding me? You grabbed me and wouldn’t let me go. I then leave and go stay at my cousin’s place in Austin instead. What disgusts me even more is I saw him and his group at the stage LP Giobbi was at and I fucking hugged him and said hi. Why the fuck did I do that. What sucks is that whole group enables him and lets him get away with it. After an awkward friendsgiving after I eventually left that group. But that’s unfortunately not the only times that I’ve been around guys that made me uncomfortable. Years later I got into a situationship that wrecked me. The disrespect and gaslighting I let myself tolerate because I didn’t know how to be alone. I would get so empty that I would have panic attacks so bad I would throw up. The final straw was when we were at his place and I just wasn’t in a good place mentally, and didn’t feel like having sex. Then he decides to throw another immature fit and say “Fine, I’ll find someone else to have sex with!” So I let him have sex with me and I dissociated again just so we wouldn’t fight and I wouldn’t be left. I expected to feel something but I felt nothing. I broke up with him and what was crazy was he didn’t even apologize at all for anything (I’ll talk about this in detail in another post). After that I got my dog, Daisy, and now I finally feel okay alone and haven’t had a panic attack since. Despite how many men took advantage of me, the signs are all the same…those all remain constant.
Red Flag Behaviors to look for
- Testing and Pushing Boundaries (Physical & Emotional): They will start testing what you will tolerate and “put up” with. It will start with innocent, harmless touches on the shoulder, back, hand, and leg. If you don’t say anything or speak up, they will take that as a cue that its ok to do that, and start to escalate further and further pushing to see how much they can get away with
- Sexualizing Conversations: This has happened so much with me as I used to have many guy friends and just was a bro. Guys will transition from bro/friend banter to making uncomfortable/out-of-the-ordinary/objectifying, for example, “Daddy needs this”, or making inappropriate, awkward, out-of-the-ordinary sexual/physical comments about your body that make you uncomfortable and sketched out
- Seeking Out and Targeting Vulnerable Victims: They often seek out people who are empathetic, have a traumatic past, or are naturally more submissive and tend to people please or fall for their manipulative charm—anyone less likely to speak up or set boundaries.
- Grooming Behavior: This part is psychologically disturbing as this can take months to years of getting close to the victim, taking time to gain trust or access to them by befriending the victim’s or child’s parents, and once the victim trusts, that’s when they start isolating and starting to cross boundaries. It could get so bad where your parents don’t even believe you like mine didn’t.
- Excessive Manipulative Charm/Love or Attention Bombing/Grooming: Love bombing behavior – this isn’t just the obvious dropping “I love you” bomb too early, it’s all the over-the-top and very early on, nonstop texting communication and attention, showering with gifts, or mirroring behavior to you to manipulatively build trust with you quickly. I’ve made the mistake many times of trauma-dumping to narcissistic men, all for them to use that against me when I no longer wanted to associate with them.
- Jealousy/Possessiveness and Control: asking for your location to be turned on at all times to check where you are at all times, checking your texts or phone calls, and even controlling who you see and what you do
- Dismissive & Manipulative Responses: When you bring up something that bothers you, they might joke about it, gaslight you, or act as if you’re overreacting, refusing to take your concerns seriously.
- Minimizing, Denying, Gaslighting, Shifting the blame on you: they will tell you that you are overreacting or are too sensitive, or may say things along the lines of: “it didn’t happen like that”, “I don’t know why I would ever say that”, “i don’t think you’re remembering that correctly”, “you’re not ok rn”, “you had alot to drink”, “you’re not in the right state of mind”—all while not taking any accountability or trying to understand why you are upset or apologizing that they hurt you, but instead make you feel like you imagined it all when you didn’t and you know what happened, or controlling the narrative and talking shit about you to everyone and saying you’re “crazy” or “always on drugs” and are “unstable” or are bipolar or schizo—this one hurts the most, the way they negatively talk about mental disorders without even understanding what people with these diagnoses go through and just labeling people
- Isolation: They gradually try to separate you from friends and loved ones, making you slowly and increasingly dependent on them more and more over time
- Intoxication manipulation: pressuring you or others (the friends you’re with or others around you) to drink or use drugs, or taking advantage of you or someone who is not able to consent, or even if you say no, they ignore you and don’t take no for an answer
If you ever sense or get that gut feeling deep down that feels like an unsettling pit in your stomach that something about someone’s energy or vibe just feels off, don’t ignore it or second-guess yourself. That’s your body communicating with you—warning you that something is off. Please listen to those instincts, because your body often connects the dots and senses danger before your mind can fully process what’s happening. Trust what you feel; your body often knows something’s wrong before you do.
It’s not easy for survivors to speak up about what they endured. When I finally tried to tell the one person I thought would support me—my mom—she shut me down, dismissed my feelings, and made me doubt my own reality. That experience taught me early on that I couldn’t trust anyone and that men could get away with anything. But that’s not true at all. Personally, it’s hard to speak up when you’re not believed. Who is going to believe a girl who used sex to cope and slept her way out of trauma. Sometimes, many times, alot of times, abusers/predators are protected or they are master manipulators and know everyone. It’s so much easier to call a girl who lashes out crazy or a whore or a slut instead of taking any accountability. I learned overtime, to be rude to men, to ignore them, and to not give them any attention. Men are alot less likely to talk to or touch a girl that is rude. I learned being friendly to men gives them a green light to touch and lately whenever I have been friendly it happened again getting my ass grabbed and slapped at Toats club and touched again by a rep at my last job. I’ve been hypervigilant for a very long time and I think lately it’s gotten a whole lot worse, and sometimes all I wanna do is hide and just be at home with your dog afraid of everyone. Women shouldn’t be made to feel that way and we shouldn’t have to carry their shame and feel disgusting and ashamed when it wasn’t our fault, and it was never our burden to bear.
Women deserve to enjoy a night out without feeling uneasy or on edge because someone is paying unwanted attention to what they’re wearing. It’s understandable to want to feel good in your outfit and have fun on the dance floor, at a festival, or a rave, without the discomfort of being stared at or followed. Everyone has the right to feel safe, respected, and free to enjoy themselves without worrying about their personal space being crossed.